What Loss Does to the Heart

Losing someone you love is indescribable. Nothing can prepare you for the emotions that follow the death of a loved one. It doesn’t matter how long you’ve known, how “prepared” you think you are; the emotions are going to sneak up out of the blue and smack you right in the face. It’s been a year and two months since losing my grandmother and sometimes it feels like she was just here yesterday. I wish I could call her, tell her about my day, ask her advice. I miss the littlest things. What I wouldn’t give to hold her hand, to hear her laugh.

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One thing I learned from her death was how capable I am. I really thought that once she was gone, I was going to become nothing. I didn’t think my life would go on. I felt that I couldn’t function without her. I didn’t know what I was going to do with myself. I actually handled it pretty well, overall.

The hardest time was probably the day before she died. I just knew it was coming soon and had this overwhelming guilt that I never got to say goodbye and thought about all the time I wasn’t with her, when I could have been. It’s been a long, hard road but at the end of the day, I know I can’t obsess over it too much because my life has to go on. I know that’s what she would want of me.

Apartment Issues

When the time came for me to get my own place with my (now) fiancé, I immediately chose an apartment. I wanted something close to where we were living so I would feel comfortable in the area and something that was in a complex that I felt safe because of the lighting, and the general atmosphere and vibe I got when visiting. Looking back, I really wish we would have planned our move more and shopped around a bit. Seriously, houses right now are so cheap, it’s pretty insane. Not saying everyone can afford them right now, but if you can; now is the time! I have found so many houses in our area that are going for less than $200,000. I know that’s quite a bit of money but the monthly payments on them are cheaper than what we are paying for our apartment right now. Pretty crazy, right? Looking back, it’s upsetting realizing how many months we would have already been into our new house. I wish we would have been able to do it back then. But, the past is the past. I can’t wait until we are able to get into a house that is cheap. I’m so tired of apartments and all their problems. Right now we have a leaky toilet and the windows leak as well, which lead to mold if you don’t clean them all the time. I know things like this could happen at a house, but I’m just so sick of neighbors and having to be quiet. I want to be able to do our laundry at 2 in the morning if we want to, and play movies or music loud. It’s something to look forward to for sure! I’m very excited!

Small Breasts Are Sexy Too

I don’t think I’ll ever understand why people feel the need to get breast implants. I think it’s so sad when a female feels so uncomfortable in her own skin that she feels she needs to change her body. All of us have our insecure moments but at the end of the day, we should be able to look in the mirror and be happy with what we see. If there are people in our lives that are criticizing us, then they don’t deserve to be in our lives. There is a huge difference between someone caring about you and telling you something has to change for your own health to benefit and those just being plain mean. Girls who make fun of other girl’s boob-size obviously are insecure in their own skin and they feel the need to take it out on someone else. Why else would they do it, honesty?

Never let a guy make you feel like you need to change who you are. If he can’t be happy with the size of your breasts then he obviously doesn’t love and respect you the way he should. What has really helped me stop worrying about my breast size is just knowing that everyone is different and if anyone cares to make a comment about my boobs, then they obviously have issues with themselves.

Stay strong and keep doing what you do. No one can make you feel embarrassed, but you!

Latest Gossip On Christina Aguilera

Lately, there is so much gossip going around about Christina Aguilera and I don’t know if it started because of the Burlesque film or because of her filing for divorce. I can’t imagine what it must be like for someone like her, everyone watching you and your every move, wanting to know what’s going on in your day to day life. I think that would drive me crazy. Sometimes I can barely handle my own life and I’m just a normal person.

As her fan, I worry about her a lot. I don’t want her to do things that are going to harm her and when I hear rumors about her getting drunk, falling asleep on a guy’s bed at a party she wasn’t invited to, etc; I just wish her the best and I hope they’re not true. At the end of the day, it’s none of my business and I know it has nothing to do with me but I hate to see people upset. It’s sad to see such a happy marriage just end like that. I can’t believe what must go through her head each day when she wakes up and has to face a day without her husband. I’ve never had a relationship as long as hers was and all I can tell you is, if my boyfriend were to be out of my life tomorrow, I wouldn’t know what to do with myself. That would definitely be a major change to deal with.

Christina, wherever you are right now (although I know you’ll never read this lol), I hope that you are happy and I hope you find the strength within yourself to get through this. You’re such a fighter and this time will pass. You’ll see!

Music In The Background

I don’t know about you, but when I’m working or cleaning, I really enjoy having music on in the background. When I’m in complete silence, my mind will wander and I won’t know what to do with myself. I get much more work done when I’m listening to music. It pumps me up and gets me excited to continue doing what I’m doing. It’s always nice to find little motivations like that in life. Whenever I’m feeling stressed, I will put some music on, take a break and just get completely lost in the lyrics. It’s such an awesome feeling.

I sometimes wish I could listen to music when going to sleep because I think it would keep my mind focused on something so I wouldn’t have those racing thoughts I get at night. I really have no idea how people do things like that. If there is as much as a tiny sound in the background, I usually will have a terrible time getting to sleep. It’s pretty crazy. When I’m really tired though, I can sleep through anything. Sometimes, just hearing someone talking from another room will irritate me or hearing someone moving around. It really depends on my mood though and how stressed I am.

What kinds of music do you like listening to when you’re busy? How about when you’re cleaning or cooking? I don’t cook but when I’m cleaning, I like to listen to Christina Aguilera and dance around, it makes cleaning up a lot more fun and rewarding lol.

Anger Issues

I have had anger issues from as far back as I can remember. Living with my mom was really hard for me and she put so much fear into me that I began to act out and do things that I normally would have never done. I felt like the entire world sucked and that everyone was bad etc, etc. It took me quite some time to come out of that. And while I’m not completely back to “normal” (If you wanna call it that), I still have my moments and I know that I have a lot to work on. Talking to people about things like this  is extremely hard and not something that I like to do, but I know at the end of the day that the only way I’m going to feel better is by working on it and being completely honest. I try to talk with most people but in all honesty, the only person I feel really safe talking to about this stuff right now is my boyfriend because I feel that we are close enough that he will listen and do whatever he can to make me feel better. I love being with him and I’ve never been happier. It just sucks that so much random crap is getting in the way.

Okay, so maybe I'm not THIS bad lol..

I really can’t wait to start talking to a professional and getting help so that my boyfriend and I can have time to think about things without all the outside pressure from family etc.

Should Celebs Be Better Role Models

This is a very tough question for me. At times I feel that, yes, celebs should be more responsible in their actions and try to do things in a manner that is appropriate for kids but at the same time, it’s not their responsibility. Seriously, it’s up to parents to teach their kids right from wrong and if a child or teen is thinking they want to be just like so-and-so, then there’s something wrong. Parents should be taking the time to make sure their kids realize that life is about being yourself and doing what makes you happy. Life is about learning and becoming your own person. If a child is looking to be “cool” or to “fit in” then a parent hasn’t been doing their job right. Of course, every child is going to feel this way from time to time but one of the main jobs a parent has in my opinion; and one of the most important, is teaching their child to love themselves and not just go with the crowd.

I think it’s alright for celebs to do whatever it is they do, and in order for parents to counteract the negative effects, they need to sit down with their kids and have good talks with them, explaining right from wrong. What happened to parents teaching their kids? It seems like nowadays so many kids are raising themselves and its sad! If I ever had children, I am going to make sure that they know they have me to talk to and they are going to know right from wrong. I’m not going to try to hide them from the world, because that just causes rebellion.